A sad insight about loss

[tenaya]

Move along if you're not feeling reflective.


I woke up this morning and like every morning, peered down at my legs before I rolled over. I was looking for Reg to make sure I wasn't about to kick him in the head. I then went to the bathroom and looked over, expecting Reg to be sitting at the threshold, for he'd sit there, waiting, and when I was done, he would then lead me towards the front door where he'd ask to go out.

Walking down the hall, I looked to one bedroom, then another, my eyes automatically scanning the beds for that big orange fur ball and the happy, come-hither look he always had. Before I turned down the hallway, I glanced down to be sure I wasn't about to kick any cats laying in wait at the crossroads.

Breakfast? I decided on tuna because the cats hadn't had the treat of tuna juice for a while. With a shock I realized I could add onions to my meal as Reg would not be sharing any of it.

It occurred to me that a hundred times a day we modify our behavior to make room for someone we live with. My decisions were not compromises but small choices that said "I love you" and "I want to make you happy."

It's those one hundred little jolts each day where I realize I no longer need to look before I move, or choose my dinner based on Reg's preferences that shock me, make me pause. I think that's why the grieving process takes so long. The wound can't scab over if it's constantly being picked at. We have to wait until we change our patterns and are no longer leaving room for someone else.

This epiphany is probably old news for many of you, but it was new to me and I wanted to note it down.

Comments

[rosawestphalen.livejournal.com]

{{{{hugs you tight}}}}}
It is a long process and it really is the little things that cause the biggest stab.

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. It will take you a long time to not stop looking for him or expecting him to show up.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}}

[catalenamara.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

>>>It occurred to me that a hundred times a day we modify our behavior to make room for someone we live with.

You said this so beautifully. More hugs!

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

I can so relate, as I have experienced the same thing. I don't have to feed half my McDonald's to Wheelz, or assume that there's going to be a kitty nose stuck in my plate, whatever I'm eating. Nobody begging loudly and very appreciative of "kitty goodies", and no furry head on my pillow.

I have come to think of the little jolts as reminders of how much I loved him, and when that happens, although it hurts, I realize that it *should* hurt, and that he is being honored in my heart each time I remember, and he is not forgotten.

[deej1957.livejournal.com]

How did I miss this? When did Reg die? I'm so so sorry. {{BIG HUG}}

[khek.livejournal.com]

{{{{{Hugs}}}}

It's been two and a half years and I still find myself doing things because I used to do them that way for Jessie. Even though I now have Maggie, who is so different (and who has her own little quirks.)

I kind of like it though. And sometimes, it feels like Jess is still there, doing whatever it is that I adapted my behavior to. It's kind of comforting, in an odd way. It took a while to get to that point though.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Yeah.... It's those papercuts that hurt the worst. :(

Thanks for the hug. I wish you good luck in finding housing. It's horrible how rental properties don't want to allow pets. Some of my coworkers have rental property and it's the *people* that cause the most damage, hands down.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

He had had a life threatening illness 5 years ago. Since we felt we were on borrowed time, we made sure to give him lots of hugs and attention, more so than any other beloved pet we've had. I think we kinda got addicted to giving him affection. We certainly are showering the other two with love. Brindle is loving it. Scooter I think has been depressed. He was Reg's own little harpy and without Reg to set the day's events, he's just been sleeping all the time and he looks lost. Poor lil guy. Extra hugs for him.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the hug.

I probably should have said "to make room for someone we love."

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

I have no brains. Hug is for Scooter. If I had half a brain I'd be a half-wit.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

The hurt is the heart reaching out to love someone that isn't there anymore. :(

I think the knowledge that I'm honoring his memory will come a little later; right now there is just a terrible feeling of loss.

You lost Wheelz in late February, didn't you? Terrible to deal with that while you went through all your health problems. :(

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Thank you. {{{hug}}}

He was euthanzised on May 11 when the vets found a cancerous mass in the back of his mouth that was preventing him from eating and giving him trouble breathing.

The tail is no more.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Has it been that long? How old was she? And I do love hearing about Maggie.

One nice thing is that Brindle picked up a few of Reggie's habits. He saw it was okay to purr long and loud. And he saw it was okay to let us hug him and love him (Brindle was like the stubborn, hurt little orphan when he first came here.) So, it's comforting to see a bit of Reg live on.

I have to admit that I go to his favorite spot and go through the motions of scratching his ear and back, and instead of burrowing my face in his fur, I whisper to him how much I miss him. Some habits are very hard to break. And I know you're right about it just taking time.

Thanks for the hug. :)

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

I'll give Scooter your hug. He'll probably think I'm trying to kill him, but he thinks that of us 90% of the time (I think it's some sort of recreational paranoia.)

Did you see the latest Pirates film? There was a brilliant line in there: "Nobody move! I've dropped my brain!" *g* I plan on using that on occasion.

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

Poor Scooter. Even paranoids need a hug.

No, haven't seen the new Pirates movie yet. If I'd had any brains, I'd have gone tonight, but I don't have any, so I guess that's that. Next weekend is a no-go. If it's still in the theatres a couple of weekends from now, I guess I'll see it then. But that's a great line.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Actually, the only time he relaxes is when we grab him and hold him tight. Then he's happy and looks like he is exactly where he wants to be. He's a strange one.

The film is almost three hours long, so be prepared when you do go. Overall I enjoyed it but I won't go see it again.

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

I've been hearing a lot of mixed reviews. I think the only thing I've heard consistently is that it's better than the 2nd movie.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

I would cut out the first hour, all the asian stuff. Then there's a very bizarre bit that is *very* bizarre. After that, it's more like the second film. It has a lot of threads and perhaps covers too much ground.

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

I think they tried to do too much with the these 2 movies. As I was saying to a friend of mine, the multi-story big movie is all the rage, but they've forgotten that a really good single story can work very well.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Yes. That would have been a big improvement.

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

I'm just hoping the 1st SG movie doesn't get too bogged down in trying to set up the next one.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

I may be wrong but I don't think it will. The first one is dedicated to ending the Ori arc. The PTB seemed focused on the second film showing that it is possible to continue SG1 in stand alone films.

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

Which would be a good thing. It wouldn't make sense to have a big arc go through any movies beyond the end of the Ori. Personally, though, I'm a bit tired of straw villains.

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

I don't mind the occasional Ba'al, but they over use him. They get rid of any decent villians. Tanith would have been great to use once or twice a season. The head Lucian Alliance guy had potential but they weaken their villians until they are uneffective. And he's dead now, anyway.

I found the Ori an overwhelming threat yet boring. Only Bridge could manage that. I think they fall back on "action" until the show is a bit more like a comic book while completely short sheeting the interactions between the characters and providing motives that the viewer can feel viscerally.

Do you watch Heroes? That is a show that has imput by comic book writers yet they stay focused on family bonds and character interaction.

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

Early February. I started to realize something was seriously wrong at the end of January. I still feel horribly guilty that I didn't notice sooner, or take him sooner, and that I had to think about the money I would need to survive while off work. And then I was worried that I had to make a decision prematurely, because of the surgery. Even though I ended up feeling "okay" about it at the time, it still bothers me now and probably always will. I wonder if I'd had unlimited time and unlimited $$, if I would still have him. It was very hard to come home after surgery and him not there.

{{HUGS}}

[leviathanmuse.livejournal.com]

I really think that it would have been better if they hadn't killed so many of the Goa'uld. By their very nature they were great villains, but they didn't really introduce any with any brains until Ba'al. They definitely overused him. And, after having Sam drop her brainpan in "Insiders", made him a lot less effective. Much as he looked far more intelligent than she did, it mainly showed how stupid Sam is. It was very sad.

Love "Heroes". Yeah, SG1 could have taken a page from their book by being a bit more character-oriented and a little less explosives happy.