Come to our county! (red state people may want to skip this)

[tenaya]

This has been circulating for a couple of weeks now, but I only just now remembered to post it here:


California's Letter of Secession

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addition, we're getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)

Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)

We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.

Sincerely,
California

Me again: The mention of Conan reminded me of that hysterical bit he did a few weeks ago. Since the blue states were out of touch with the red state values, he was going to make an attempt to explore the things they valued. So they had a man dressed as Jesus sitting in a little NASCAR mock up and as they towed him across the stage, Jesus kept shooting his rifle in the air while they played country music. It was strangely iconic.

Comments

[geminia905.livejournal.com]

Ugh. So I'm supposed to choose between staying in this red state or going somewhere that accepts the Ditzy Chits?

I'll definitely keep my dreams of moving to New Zealand going. ;)

[tenaya.livejournal.com]

Oh, you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to! I don't.

But New Zealand is a good idea, too. Maybe when I win the lottery, I'll have a home in each place. ;-)